2003-10-10 at 10:48 p.m. - Sorry that I did, wished I would have never.

Tonight was a very wonderful evening, but I just came home and read something that I am mad that I have read now. You see, our youth missions trip this summer is to Germany and I really want to go. I went on the last international trip and it was awesome and I would love to be on this one because it will be my last trip with the youth group. Well, my mom is telling me no because she worries about my safety. All I can say is, there is no assurance of safety. Not in the US, not in Germany, not in England, not in Iraq. No where. Next thing, she says that I will have to earn all of the money by myself, but she wants me to keep all of the money I earned towards my college money. Everytime I get a check for babysitting or anything, it all goes to that account. So far, in the few months I have had that account, I've only accumulated $200 BUT when I went to Wales, the trip cost much more, and I was able to work my butt off towards that and I was able to still go.

This is the kicker though here. The one thing that truely upsets me. My mom lied to me. I was just reading her old emails because the lady I babysit for emails her first, and I wasn't sure what time I have to be there tomorrow, so I went back to look for it. I found that. But then I saw an email that said "Re: Britney". I know it was wrong to have read it, but I did anyway. Evidentally she wrote to my dad, which I knew that. Only she told me that my dad didn't think it was a good idea for me to go. When in all actuality, my dad told her that Germany was one of the most nicest places he has ever been and the German people were really respectful and nice (and he's in the Army!), and he had no problems there. His wife's sister is also stationed there, and she loves it. He told her that she should let me make the decision because he "she is pretty well aware of what is going on in the world". My mom is so paranoid. I know that she cares about me and that she doesn't want me to get hurt, or to work hard for the trip and come up short on funds. But I am going to have people who help me and a lot of fundraisers and such. It wouldn't be that difficult. But she lied to me. She told me my father said no, when he really said that he didn't see the problem in going. Then she went as far as to tell him she hadn't even really prayed about it, yet she told me she had.

I don't see the point. I wish I would have never read that email. If this were my mother and I, and the situation were flip flopped, she would be all over me for lying. Yet, she lies for me because she thinks she is going to protect me?? I am no more safer walking down the sidewalk then I am going to Germany. Life is full of risks and things you have to have faith in. I have faith that I am going to go on that trip and be safe and get that whole trip paid for. Why would I be pushing this so much if I didn't believe that? I just don't understand why all of this is happening and why she thought she had to lie to me and make excuses for the real reasons why I shouldn't go. I just don't understand. I love my mom, but I don't know why she would be this way. I never known of her to ever be dishonest with me when it comes to things as important and serious as this. This isn't a matter that you just let float on. She just doesn't want me to fly. And she should have told me that instead of telling me that my dad said Germany was unsafe. BECAUSE now, I have gone and told a lot of people that is the reason I cannot go. Safety, because my dad said that they found terrorists in Germany. When they really probably haven't, that is just something my mother fabricated so she could have an excuse. All I want is the truth, not a story. I am a big girl now and I can handle being told 'No', no matter how irrational I think it is, I wouldn't have had much of a problem with it. But now that I know that she's lied to me, I just don't think I can sit and let this slide away and not ask her about it.

But now, enough ranting, I have to babysit tomorrow.

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