2003-11-04 at 4:39 p.m. - Once again

I feel so very sad all of a sudden. This week they are doing Junior credit checks all this week and I got called down to the guidance office during pottery class. I kind of got hit with all of this college info. I feel so paranoid now that I need to make a choice of what I want to do now. What I want to "grow up and be". College choices. All of these choices that decide that will shape the adult I am going to become. I am so scared I am going to make the wrong choice. I keep praying for direction, I don't know if I am getting any. I've been home for nearly two hours...all of it spent looking up jobs on the Occupational Outlook Handbook and looking up academic programs at various colleges in this state.

I feel helpess and all I want to do is take care of people. Maybe I should just be a mom. It's funny how in the last couple of months my outlook on life has changed. I've said all growing up that I would never ever get married and I don't want to have kids. But I wouldn't mind little me's actually. I do want to have my own children someday and a husband. So why not be a mom? Maybe I am just being lazy or something. School is burning me out, and I don't see anything wrong with just having my basic AA and just being a mom. Or not. My parent's won't go for that. I feel so much pressure from my mom to do this or that. It's making me crazy. I need to just chill out. God knows how everything is supposed to fall into place for me, and I trust Him more than anything else, and if I just keep going with the flow, things are going to work out. I just have to have some faith, and keep on doing what I am doing.

"I remember when I'd run to you
Through fields of white flowers
Your embrace was my air
How I need you there
All of the world and all of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me

I need you like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here like you've always been" Priceless - Copeland

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