2003-11-05 at 4:03 p.m. - Talk and I'll listen.

My family went out to dinner last night and while walking back to the car, I made random conversation with my mom about Jason and stuff with Tim and Emily. She told me that I had been blessed with a very good boyfriend..."He must really like you a whole lot", she said. It kind of stunned me, it's very rare to hear her talk well about him. Then she says..."What are you going to do when he goes away?". It kind of hit me hard. I was listening to a mix CD when I came home and was getting ready for some prayer time and then bed, and a song came on that reminded me of him. And it made me cry. Graduation is well over a year away, but it still is making me sick to think of it.

Yesterday we were talking and I told him I was being kind of psycho and a few times I had looked up the travel time between various colleges I was looking at and the one he has his heart set on going to. The least possible distance between us would be two hours. He told me not to settle on a school just because it was close to him and that if our relationship goes beyond high school, although it would be difficult having so much distance for four years, it would hold together because God has willed it to, not because of anything we did. I don't know. I get sort of scared when conversation like that comes up, but I cannot deny that I really like him a lot. God blessed me tremendously with Jason. It's not like we're your random couple who does the cutesy couple stuff (although that's fun and all.) We pray together and for each other. I can go to him with questions about the Bible and such and what he thinks on certain topics. It's just wonderful and then so odd at the same time. I look around me and none of my friends have this kind of relationship, and that makes me feel odd sometimes. I'm not trying to brag or anything or be proud, but he seriously is an awesome guy. If he doesn't end up with me, then whoever he does whind up with is seriously a very very blessed girl.

So I don't know. I know it's odd to hope for these things. We haven't even said I love you yet, although it's been mentioned before. I know beyond a doubt that I do love him, maybe not in the quite "romantic head over heels" way, but I love him, so I haven't said it yet. I don't plan on saying it until we've been together for much longer than this. So I don't know. God has to speak to my heart about that, because I'm not sure if that would be right or wrong or what. It's become confusing and love shouldn't be that way.

But anyway, I am just sad because it sometimes seems almost inevitable that we are both going to go away and meet new people and experience new things apart. And sometimes I think it would almost be selfish for the both of us to hold onto this. I don't know, maybe it's best not to think and analyze this. God has both of our lives in His hands, whether they are supposed to come together or not, He already knows, and it's best if I leave this up to him. And enjoy the next year and a half that I'll have with him and being at home and still being young. I think of these verses: "You who are young, make the most of your youth. Relish your youthful vigor. Follow the impulses of your heart. If something looks good to you, pursue it...Live footloose and fancy free - You won't be young forever. Youth lasts about as long as smoke." Ecclesiastes 11: 9-10

And that is what I will do. Enjoy now while it lasts.

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