2003-11-29 at 7:39 p.m. - the calm down

I hate PMS. It makes me feel weird about everything. And then I get all overly emotional. I cried this evening over something really really stupid. I feel retarded when it comes to everything. I am trying hard though to keep it together. I am so worried about making bad choices about the future that I seriously feel so turned off by making any choices at all. I just have to have faith that God has all of this determined and I just have to trust in Him to help me make this decision. I feel led to do something different with my life. My mom has this crazy notion in her head that I am going to do speech pathology. I really feel led to teach though. It's crazy. I feel like I shouldn't be pinpointing anything just yet, I need to just look more indepth into things and just let the pieces fall where they will.

I feel like lately I am going through phases of where everything is fine and nothing could be better. And then something will set me off, and then for a week I feel like I am the worst person on the planet. Guilt is a thing that sometimes gets so set into me, even when I have done nothing wrong, that I just can't shake it. Right now, I know it's just PMS. (Don't I just enjoy being female...) I've been in a car for a good part of the day coming home from Jacksonville from visiting relatives. I was in a bad mood for a good part. Mostly because I was just tired, I hadn't had any 'real rest' since Wednesday night, and even then, that was about 5 and a half hours of sleep.

Our church did Lord of the Rings night and I had to go home early at midnight (it lasted until about 2). I packed until about 12:30 and then I woke up at 6:00 am. We left our house at 9:00 and got to Jacksonville at about 11:30. At this point, the only thing I had had all day was coffee and we didn't eat until 2:00. I went to bed late that night and I had to sleep on a sofa. I am not complaining, I could have been worse off. But the thing is, if I knew I was having a lot of people in my house, I would have made sleeping arrangements for them ahead of time. I was told to sleep out on the sofa. They didn't bother with blankets or anything. So I had to snoop through their linen closet, I eventually found something to cover up with, and then I had a restless sleep for about 7 hours. We shopped all day on Friday and then I didn't get to bed until 12 that night, I had to share a bed at my stepdad's mom's house with my brothers (that was crrrraaazy) and now I am here. Babysitting. And I am so tired.

I need to stop complaining. If I stopped complaining, I would probably stop feeling so useless. God, I need help. I need an attitude fix. Things have seemed so crazy in my life lately. I just need to sit back and enjoy the beauty around me and not let all the opportunities pass me by. I need to sit back and smell the flowers while I still can. I need to stop watching the clock. I need to just be still.

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